Welcome to the Basilica's Ministry of Compassion page  (formerly Grief and Bereavement.)    Here you will find updates, news, and events pertaining to Grief and Bereavement support .  We hope you find it useful.

We recognize that this is a difficult time during COVID-19, where the loss of your loved one is further challenged by the social restrictions in gathering with family and friends who share in your grief. 

Although we cannot offer workshops or guest speakers as in the past; for the time being, we hope that the following selections from Dr. Webster’s booklet,   “When Someone You Care About Dies…” will be of some help in your grief journey; or in the support you can give to a family or friend.

Dr. Webster identifies several “seasons” of Mourning which may help us to walk through the messy and ever-changing landscape that is grief.   He succinctly states that, “[Grief] is finished, when it is finished.”  Everyone deals with their grief at different rates.  There is nothing rational or predictable about the progression.  The last thing one needs is a feeling of guilt because the grief does not fit into the expectations of others.

Over the next few weeks the 5 Seasons of Grief will be identified on this link.  Watch for announcements in the weekly bulletin.

We hope you will consider sitting with these thoughts to find some peace and affirmation in the suggestions offered. 

The Seasons of Mourning 

 “The Lord is my strength and my shield;
    in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
    and with my song I give thanks to him”  Psalm 28:7

Journeying with Grief on Celebration Days

Family celebrations can sometimes be complicated after the death of a loved one.  His or her absence will certainly affect family dynamics and the loss will conflict with the desire to enjoy these occasions.  

The family has changed and must adjust to the absence.   

Consider trying some of the following suggestions to face these challenging times.

  • Pace yourself; schedule time for self-care (a walk, a movie, a good book, coffee with friends, listen to music, meditation, etc.)
  • Don't apologize for your sadness/loneliness/mood
  • Attend only those events you choose; leave early if needed
  • Make a list of things you'd like to do and keep it handy for those days when you are feeling the loss acutely
  • Seek support; create a circle of care with those whom you trust and can express yourself freely
  • Meet with a spiritual advisor, priest, minister, etc.
  • Attend mass, pray
  • Recognize your loved one's loss and light a candle, look at photographs, invite others to share memories, tell stories
  • Add new elements to traditions, start a new tradition, or blend old with new
  • Prepare a memory quilt with the help of your family

Remember:  tears are okay!

"Jesus wept."  John 11:35

References:  David Kessler   https://grief.com/grief-the-holidays/

                     Bill Webster    https://griefjourney.com/?s=christmas

THE SEASON OF REORGANIZATION

“Grief, I have learned is really just love. It’s all the love that you want to give, but cannot.  

All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest.

Grief is just love with no place to go.” ~ Jamie Anderson

Grieving is a personal process.  The way and pace of the mourning may vary depending on the culture, circumstance of loss and the nature of the relationship with the deceased.

When we lose someone life is different in many ways.  Life continues for those left behind however it is important to acknowledge that our lives have been touched, changed and influenced by the individual we grieve.  As such, our task is to reorganize our life to the present, while holding sacred the special place that person had in our past. Part of our grieving is a movement into the future.

Consider this:

There are many signs of reorganization.  It may include such things as:

  • Openness to change
  • A renewed sense of energy and well-being
  • A return to healthy sleeping and eating
  • The capacity to reengage in and enjoy life’s experiences
  • A developing awareness of a sense of hope 
  • The ability to live life fully without the burdens of guilt or regret
  • The ability to reflect on happy memories rather than an overwhelming sense of sadness
  • The courage to establish new relationships
  • A deepening sense of purpose for life, even in the midst of unanswered questions

In the season of reorganization consider how have you grown through this experience. What have you learned about yourself? Other people? God?

The goal of the grief process is to arrive at a place of reconciliation. Reconciliation results from a healthy grief process.  Reconciling our loss means we understand and accept our life as meaningful.  

Things and events happen over which we have no control...but, we do have a choice as to how we respond and what attitude we want to embody. ..each and every day. 

REFLECTION

  • Where are you on your personal pathway of grief?
  • What do you need and how can you access support?

Holy Spirit, 

Come and shine the rays of your healing light into the depths of my being. Expose the darkness of my wounds, my brokenness and my buried emotions – my anger, anxiety and sorrow. Give me the courage to acknowledge them and hand them over to your loving care. 

Gentle Spirit, I thirst for your healing as an arid desert thirsts for rain. Take the little deaths I have suffered and transform them into new life. Take my pain and transform it into the power to serve you and to proclaim your goodness to others. 

Amen. 

      ~ Nancy Bevenga (from Lead, Kindly Light, the Notre Dame Book of Prayers)

THE SEASON OF ADJUSTMENT

There is a season for everything.

A time for giving birth,

A time for dying:

A time for tears,

A time for laughter:

A time for mourning,

A time for dancing…

~ Ecclesiastes 3:1, 2, 4

Each person’s adjustment is unique and deeply connected to the relationship that has been lost.

This is a season of coming to understand and define life without that person, and all that they brought to our lives.

The question we must wrestle with is, “How is my life different?”

The season of adjustment includes practical adjustments, emotional adjustments, social adjustments, physical adjustments and perceptual adjustments.

Consider this:

Practical Adjustments

Practical Adjustments may involve new skills, tasks or responsibilities that you now have to assume.  Who will do them?  How will you learn these new skills, or enlist the necessary help?  Practical adjustment may also involve how you spend your time.

Emotional Adjustments

All emotional responses have meaning. Loneliness is a common emotional response because something is missing in our lives.  This feeling is often heightened at times when we would be sharing the relationship, such as meals, weekends, or special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays. Our emotional response helps us to make necessary and often painful adjustments to our life as it is now following the loss, and gaining confidence each day that we will move through this.  

Social Adjustments

A loss can mark a difficult adjustment in our lives.  It may be difficult to return to social circles and you may feel out-of-place when events or activities remind you that you are on your own.  It’s important to remember that relationships are healthy and necessary after a loss. It can be helpful to reflect on what would you want your partner to do if you had died, and determine if that night also be what they would want for you.

Physical Adjustments

The physical relationship shared with someone is another significant adjustment.  It can be difficult not to experience the physical presence of someone, their touch, and the gestures of love.

Perceptual Adjustments

Following a loss we may feel that other people are looking at us differently…with pity, that we are not the same as we once were.  Take time to reflect on some of the changed perceptions you have sensed since your loss. 

Your grief is helping you to adjust to a new life without the person you lost. You will discover strengths you didn’t realize were part of you and you will find new resources and people to help and support you. 

REFLECTION

Grief 

by Gwen Flowers

I had my own notion of grief.  

I thought it was the sad time that followed the death of someone you love.

And you had to push through it

To get to the other side.

But I'm learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather, 

There is absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,

But rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish

And move on.

But an element of yourself --

An alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self.

SEASON OF CONFRONTATION

 

 “There is nothing I cannot master with the help of the One who gives me strength."  Phillipians 4:13

The Seasons of Numbness ​and Yearning​ are a time of avoidance. The reality ofwhat has occurred may not have been fully realized. The challenge of the Season ofConfrontation ​is to begin to accept the reality of your loss and experience the pain ofthat realization.

MAJOR ISSUES OF THE GRIEF PROCESS

As human beings we like to feel in control of our lives, but when a death occurs, we feel asense of helplessness. One may still continue  to feel many of the emotions present  at the beginning of the loss. This feeling of powerlessness often leads us to experience fourof the most difficult challenges of the grief process.

Guilt

  • we blame ourselves for what has happened and for not being able to avoid or control the circumstances.
  • this guilt is often expressed in “I should have” and “if only” statements.
  • if we could have changed the situation, we would feel a sense of control and power, but we couldn’t so we punish ourselves through guilt
  • we need to come to the place of forgiving ourselves for being human; with all our limitations andshortcomings

Anger

  • anger is related to a feeling of helplessness and is a protest against loss.
  • we may feel angry with family, friends and anyone else who crosses our path
  • anger is normal and needs to be expressed
  • you have every right to feel angry because of your loss.
  • focus your anger in the right direction so as not to hurt yourself or others.
  • channeling your anger positively can help you make good choices and gain a sense of personalcontrol.
 

Depression

  • depression is a normal part of the grieving process
  • symptoms of depression are similar to those of the grief process, such as sadness, hopelessness,fatigue, lack of concentration, feelings of inadequacy, hostility and irritability.
  • you can find some relief by dealing with and working through these symptoms
  • expression and acceptance  of your feelings and thoughts allow, in time,  for some positive emotionsto emerge again.
  • if the depression becomes acute or unmanageable, perhaps a counselor or spiritual director would be a good choice to help you walk this journey

Loneliness

  • loneliness comes because something familiar is missing from our lives.
  • sad feelings might reflect the absence of a person, the absence of a sense of well-being or a lack ofself-esteem.
  • we all depend on various human relationships in our lives, but it is also important to develop arelationship with oneself.
  • you have lost someone you care about and miss them desperately.
  • living without this relationship will be difficult and much grief work is needed in acceptancing this

HELP YOURSELF

  • Admit the reality of your loss. This realization leads to the most difficult part of the grieving process.
  • Experience the pain of grief. Grief is painful and there is no easy way around it orover it. We must work our way through it. The pain of grief shows our need to attendto the healing of a broken heart and not ignore or suppress it.
  • Grief is normal, yet different for everyone. Try to understand why you may be experiencing yourunique cluster of emotions.  Speak to a trusted friend, your priest, or a qualified counselor to help you 

REFLECTION

Let nothing upsetyou. Everything changes.

God alone is unchanging.

With patience all things arepossible. Whoever has God, lacksnothing. God alone is enough.

St. Theresa of Avila

THE SEASON OF YEARNING

  • When the numbness of the death eventually gives way to life changes, one can expect a new Season in the grief process:  The Season of Yearning.   
  • We look for peace and quietness but our reactions are heightened and we become sensitive to our surroundings.  Everything and everyone seems to touch a raw nerve we can’t seem to stop or control the feelings…it is like an emotional avalanche.
  • Given that each person is different and that grief is so personal not everyone will experience the following emotions during this Season: …anxiety, irritability, restlessness, confusion, emptiness, vulnerability, panic, sobbing, envy, impatience…
  • Some of the reactions to grief may also be physical symptoms:     …a knot in the stomach, feelings of shakiness, dry mouth, fatigue, apathy, sleep disturbances, appetite concerns…                                                                                                             
  • Grief is a hard work, but necessary and the emotions associated with grief are also normal.  You can help yourself by working through your feelings and allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling.  

(Saying such symptoms may be ‘normal’ does not minimize their importance, but because you could be vulnerable to physical or psychological ailments during this period, it is important that you check in with your doctor(s).)

The Seasons of Mourning 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”   Matthew 11:28-30

THE SEASON OF NUMBNESS:

  • After the initial shock of a death, you may experience numbness.  It doesn’t seem real…it’s like a dream…it’s hard to accept.  Your friends or family may see this numbness as strength and will comment on how well you may be doing and how you are so brave.  When the numbness eventually wears off…sometime after the visitations, funerals, memorials, celebrations, etc., when everyone is returning to their own ‘normal’ life… the reality sets in and you feel the pain as an acute ache.
  • During this season you may experience shock, confusion, forgetfulness, apathy, fatigue, denial, difficulty in making decisions, an inability to concentrate, etc.   In these early days after a loss, life is simply a matter of survival.    It's so difficult to explain to anyone what you have to do in order to carry on after a funeral, how to put the pieces of a family back together again, how to live with this void.
  • Eventually your life will require some adjusting: socially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  But this re-altering doesn’t happen all at once. Grief is hard work and it takes times…LOTS of time.  Be gentle with yourself.

Consider this:

  • Perhaps journaling is a way you can navigate some of these feelings.  A place where you can record your special memories and thoughts.  A place where you won’t have to defend what you’ve written.  A place for you only.  
  • As an addition to journaling, sharing your grief with a trusted friend or counselor is often a very important part of the process.

Tears are okay…even Jesus wept. (John 11:35)

REFLECTION

Companion of Hurting Hearts,

When my peace of mind and gentleness of heart slip away,
hold my hand.

When I lose sight of my worthiness and inherent goodness,
hold my hand.

When unrealistic expectations crowd out joy and satisfaction,
hold my hand.

When I forget to breathe in and listen to my inner being,
hold my hand.

When fear of vulnerability keeps me from reaching out,
hold my hand.

When I stumble and fall on the path of doing too much,
hold my hand.

When most everything I have believed turns to ashes,
hold my hand.

When the distress of others overwhelms my compassion,
hold my hand.

When earth’s beauty fails to provide comfort for me,
hold my hand.

When the path of life looks fruitless and deserted,
hold my hand.

When even Your presence has fled my awareness,
hold my hand.

Tenderhearted One, remind me often that you walk with me, that I am never alone when I limp along in the hazy grayness of life. Keep teaching me how necessary it is to care well for myself, to trust that the valley of darkness I walk through is a part of the journey of spiritual transformation. I place my hand in yours once again and move forward with hope in your loving presence. Amen.

© Joyce Rupp

Please contact us by email at: [email protected] for more information.